☼
Enter

Ezekiel | TX->FL | 23 | He/Him

Instagram & twitter: @kanoviich

Link 4 Link 5 Link 6 Link 7 Link 8
  1. mom wakes me up
  2. Me: What's wrong mom?
  3. Mom: Get up there's a corn special in Walmart.
  4. I drove her to walmart
  1. Mom: My husband has a flat ass. What have I done God to deserve this?

My step dad has been really gassy recently

  1. Dad: so I called my mother today, I was lazy to but I did, but it went directly to voicemail. I then realized I had to fart so bad so I let one rip, and it dawned on me that the voicemail has ended. So my mother is going to open her voice mail to 20 seconds of me just letting out a huge fart.
  2. Mom: and your farts are loud too, honey. At night when you go use the restroom, you wake the cat up with your huge farts, and they echo in the toilet. Next time angle your butt out of the toilet, if not China is gonna blame US for their next 8.0 earthquake.

"We came to America for opportunities and freedom, not racism and murder."

My blind Mexican mother who doesn’t know English.

At Olive Garden for my moms birthday

  1. Brother: brought you a balloon
  2. Mom: thank you honey.
  3. Unfortunately where it's tied, it's loosened and floats away.
  4. Mom: well there it goes. Just like my hopes and dreams.
  5. Me: MOM.
  1. Me: so why did you wake me up to get food if you made me pay?
  2. Dad: we had a grande scheme. We were gonna wake you up and then take you out and make you pay.
  3. Mom: ... We wasted all of our cash on gambling.
  4. Dad: not as cool as I said it honey.
  5. Mom: saying your parents have a gambling issue is just as cool.
  1. Notices mom doesn't eat the ends of fries
  2. Me: why do ya do that mom?
  3. Mom: because i feel like they stab my throat when i eat them whole.
  4. Dad: isnt the only thing that stabs her throat.
  5. Mom: HONEY I AM 58 YOURE 60 THAT HASNT HAPPENED FOR 20 YEARS.

In the car after the call

  1. Mom: we have to talk to you
  2. Me: oh...?
  3. Dad: she's pregnant
  4. Mom: SHUT THE HELL UP I HAVE MENOPAUSE ALREADY

My dad texted me

  1. Dad: are you awake?
  2. Me: yeah why?
  3. Dad: we got into a car accident I'm picking you up right now.
  4. Me: what???? Okay
  5. Mom calls me a few seconds after
  6. Mom: DONT BELIEVE A WORD HE SAYS WE'RE PICKING YOU UP TO GET SONIC GET UP

About Dan and Lauren

  1. Me: mom how ya like Danny and Lauren?
  2. Mom: Lauren is a beautiful woman.
  3. Me: and Danny?
  4. Mom: He's REALLY cute. Reminds me of Edward Cullen.
  5. Me: Oh.
  1. Mom: Let's go, go to the restroom.
  2. Dad: But I don't wanna.
  3. Mom: Go.
  4. Dad: Take me.
  5. Mom: What?
  6. Dad: Carry me.
  7. Mom: you're carrying a big shit. Now go so we can leave.
49